


I'm sick of meaning

by Qpenguin98



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Amnesty, Character Study, Families of Choice, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Non-Linear Narrative, Recreational Drug Use, Relationship Study, TAZ Amnesty, Trauma, Weed, dani and jake are SIBLINGS and BEST FRIENDS, kind of?, nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 18:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20411989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qpenguin98/pseuds/Qpenguin98
Summary: Jake Coolice stares at Dani as she lays on what’s essentially a stranger’s couch, body wrapped up in a spare blanket. It was nice of Leo to take them in after what happened, but it still doesn’t feel right.





	I'm sick of meaning

Jake Coolice stares at Dani as she lays on what’s essentially a stranger’s couch, body wrapped up in a spare blanket. It was nice of Leo to take them in after what happened, but it still doesn’t feel right. He doubts it would be any better in Duck’s apartment. It has to be awful for Barclay, shacked up in Mrs… Pearson? Mrs. Pearson’s apartment, who Jake doesn’t think he’s met even once in his time in Kepler.

Jake’s meant to be sleeping, stretched out in the recliner with a blanket pulled up to his shoulders, but he can’t. He keeps thinking about it, about the town swarming with agents, no way in or out, the Lodge out of commission, sneaking up to H2Whoa to stay alive, Dani dropping onto the ground, Ned…

Well, he’s having trouble sleeping.

Dani shifts, rolling around on the couch to face the other way, away from him. He sighs and readjusts himself also.

There’s nothing better to do, he thinks to himself, and tries his best to keep his eyes closed.

\---

Jake’s only been at the Lodge a month but it’s felt like less time. Everything’s new and there’s no way for him to understand the dynamic yet. Dani, the only other person his age, does her best to be friendly but they don’t share a lot of the same interests. She likes gardening and drawing and he likes being out on the hills and in the snow and where he can feel how thin the air is.

It’s difficult.

He’s not doing much to grow their friendship either, to be fair. He knows she’s been here for two years, but not a lot more than that. It’s not like he’s going to ask her why she got kicked off their home planet. He’s not gunning to give that information about himself away either. No one left Sylvain happy about it.

But it wasn’t even his _fault_.

There’s a stunt group in town that he could join, and he will, eventually, he just needs some time to gather facts about himself in case they ask. Where is he from? What’s he like doing? What’s his family like? But he’s fifteen and it’s so _hard_. He knows next to nothing about earth, and nothing about what his human person is supposed to be like. Probably like himself, but he doesn’t have answers to those questions, not for here, not for now.

Barclay and Mama are so nice, Mama a little stricter than Barclay, but nice nonetheless. They shack people up for free, don’t ask bad questions, and essentially let them do what they want as long as it doesn’t put anyone in danger. He doesn’t know how to work with that. How is he supposed to establish himself here?

It’s nighttime and he can’t sleep. He’s kept his room pretty bare, painted it a nice green color he likes at Mama’s insistence and gotten some bedding he kind of liked, but that’s about it. He has stuff from home, but there’s nothing he wants to put up. He stares out at the moon half full and bright in the sky.

That’s something he likes about earth. Everything that’s alive here is so vibrant. Sylvain was graying, losing color and life every year, and it’s a nice change to be able to see what the world could be like if it really were living.

He swings his legs over the bed, shoves on some shoes, and puts on the jacket he’d gotten recently, brightly colored and gaudy.

The stairs creak a bit as he walks down them, but it’s not too loud. He slips out the back door, walking to the log near Dani’s garden and sitting on it. He stares at the dimly lit plants, lets his eyes unfocus. It’s all fuzzy, but he can smell the air, can feel his lungs and his heart and the way the muscles move in this human body that he’s still not quite used to.

“What are you doing?” comes quietly from the back door and he snaps to attention. Dani’s standing there, disguise off, and jealousy twinges in his chest at the fact that she doesn’t look so obviously alien.

“Just uh, just getting some fresh air! Gets a little cooped up in there.” He twists at his arm brace and Dani looks at it.

“It’s late and dark. No one’s gonna come up here and find you out for being alien if you take it off.”

He looks at her for a second before slipping it off, twisting it in his hands as the disguise falls away. She walks over to him and sits next to him, and she won’t stop looking.

“What?” he asks quietly.

“I know you’re not happy here, but you can’t stay in all the time.”

“What do you want me to do? Make up a whole fake background for myself? Go to human school and learn all about earth?”

“Obviously not,” she scoffs. “Just go into town. You’d be surprised at how much weird stuff they’re willing to let slide. You forget we have a real monster come through every few months and mess everything up. Plus I know you want to join that stunt group and they’re always looking for new members.”

He balks at the idea of making actual friends, of putting himself out there and not getting immediately shut down. He talked a big game when he first came through the gate, tried not to show what he was feeling and keep on a cheery face, but it’s hard.

“You don’t know anything about me,” he says instead of any of that. It’s flat, nothing behind it.

“I know,” she says, and she sounds actually invested, not even all that frustrated. “You’re really good at deflecting questions about yourself. It has been a hassle to get anything out of you.”

He looks at her and she’s smiling, teeth glinting in the moonlight. He shocks himself by smiling back.

“I guess you want to know stuff about me first, huh?” She says, looking at her garden. “Let’s see, I’ll start with the small stuff you probably already know. I like gardening, obviously, but I also like drawing and doing cooking stuff with Barclay. I… I used to do a lot of baking with my mom before the gate.”

He stiffens, because that’s way more than he expected to get about her life before.

“I’ve been here for two and a half years, and it, uh, it kind of sucked at first. I didn’t want to do anything ever, but I knew I was supposed to so I did. The garden was here before I came, but Barclay let me have free reign over it after he figured out that’s what would help. And I don’t really know how much good it did, but I know it gave me something to do that I actually cared about, which was kind of a shocker considering how much I hated everything.”

Jake is silent, staring at the dirt between his feet. He can’t answer back to any of this. He has nothing to give her because there’s no way he’s going into life before the gate.

“You’re actually kind of nice to have around, even if we don’t talk much.” He looks at her and she’s still looking at the garden, smiling. “It’s just, I know it’s gonna sound kind of shitty of me to think, but it’s nice to have someone else the same age, you know? Know I’m not the only one that got the shit end of the stick way before they should have.”

His throat is closed and he looks up at the moon, body rigid.

“You just need to find something, okay?” She pauses and he can see her looking at him in her periphery. “It doesn’t have to be big or small, just something. You can’t just… it can’t be all bad all the time or nothing’s gonna feel worth it. Go up to the slopes one day, I know we have some boarding equipment somewhere. I’ll go with you if you want, but I’ll let you know I can’t snowboard to save my life. You like it, you’ve told me, so let’s see if it’s what gets you going.”

“Okay,” he whispers out. She offers out a hand and he takes it.

\---

Jake thinks he might die.

Hollis is sitting in their kitchen, eating a grilled cheese sandwich, Keith on their left, Beven and Tim leaning on the counter splitting a bag of M&Ms, but Jake is having a really hard time focusing on the rest of the room.

Keith says something that Jake doesn’t really hear and Hollis laughs, their face splitting into a grin, eyes squinting shut, and there’s still grilled cheese in their mouth but Jake doesn’t really care about that at all because they’re smiling and his stomach is flipflopping all over the place and oh fuck.

It’s the same feeling he gets when they throw their arm over his shoulder after a particularly good stunt, or when he sees them gearing up for boarding, or— well, any time really.

“Jake?”

“Mm?” Keith’s talking to him and he shakes himself out a bit.

“I’m making myself a sandwich, do you want one?”

Jake doesn’t even want to think about eating. “Nah, I’ve gotta get going soon so I’m okay.”

“Leaving so soon?” Hollis asks him and he squeezes his fingers together.

“Yeah, I promised Barclay I’d, uh, help him make dinner tonight, so I gotta get home to do that.” He stands, grabbing his bag from the chair.

“Damn,” they say, “Well, that’s alright. You coming up tomorrow for boarding?”

“Obviously,” he says. “When have you known me to not board?”

Hollis raises their sandwich at him as an agreement and he says goodbye to everyone before leaving.

He finds Dani’s room pretty quickly, slamming a hand on her door. She opens up looking very confused.

“Aren’t you supposed to be hanging out with the Stunt Club right now?”

“That’s the whole problem,” he says, letting himself into her room. She makes a noise but shuts the door behind him. He takes this as an invitation to flop onto her bed face first.

“Hey!” she says. “You have your own bed to lay all over.”

“Yeah, but we’re in your room and I gotta _flop_, Dani.”

“Ugh,” she says, snatching a pillow from under him and sitting on it on the floor. “What’s so terrible that you have to flop all over my bed?”

“Hollis,” he says miserably, voice muffled by her mattress. “I’m ruined.”

“Jesus,” she says, exasperated. “You finally figure out you like them?”

He raises his head to stare at her, face contorted in horror. “It’s obvious?”

“You think I don’t understand you perfectly?” She asks him, resting her head on her hand. “I’ve seen you swooning over them ignoring yourself for months now, Jake. I’m glad you finally figured it out.”

“Do you think they know?” he lays back onto the sheets, groaning. “Of course they know. I’m an idiot. Oh my god they’re so cool how could I ever expect them to reciprocate?”

“You’re kinda cool,” Dani tries to offer, and Jake snorts. “Oh come on. I think you’re giving them too much credit. I’m pretty sure you’d be equally matched in coolness level. You just think they’re cool because you like them. Your last name is Coolice, what’s cooler than that?”

“Literally anything. Dani you really don’t get it. There’s no way they’re ever going to want to date me.” He pulls off his wrist cuff and drops it unceremoniously on the floor. “They don’t even know I’m not human. How am I supposed to build a relationship around that? We’re friends and I just… I don’t want to fuck it up.”

“You’re really messed up over this,” Dani says quietly. He hums in response and she sighs, shifting. “Look. I really do think you’re overthinking this. If you think it’ll ruin your friendship then don’t do anything and maybe the feelings will go away on their own. But Jake, you can only see stuff from your perspective. Do you know how much fun Hollis looks like they’re having when they’re around you? It’s a lot. They clearly like you, and maybe it’s not in a romantic way, but even if it isn’t I think they’d appreciate you talking with them about it so they don’t have to feel weird every time _you_ get weird around them.”

“I don’t get weird,” he mumbles.

“You get super weird, because you like them. You’re like ‘Oh Hollis let me do everything with you all the time but not too much because then I’ll get overwhelmed.’”

He snorts out a laugh and turns his head to face her. She’s sitting back on her hands, looking at him.

“C’mon Jake, you don’t get to mope about liking someone. That’s the time you’re supposed to not be sad about things. Do you see any cute girls for me to pine after? Nope, you sure don’t.”

“I mean there’s Jessie from Stunt Club?”

“Eh,” she says, wrinkling her face up. “Not really my type of person at all.”

“Fair,” he says, rolling onto his back. “Do you really think it’ll be okay?”

“Of course I do. Do you think I’d push you to admitting your mushy gushy feelings if I thought you’d immediately get shut down?”

“If you were feeling particularly vengeful then yeah, I do.”

“Asshole,” she says lightly and he smiles.

“You’re probably right,” he sighs, grabbing for his cuff from the ground. Dani hands it to him. “Thanks. I don’t wanna though.”

“Then do it when you want to, and definitely do it just the two of you. Don’t submit all of them to that.”

“Duh,” he says. He looks up towards her bedside table. “You got any Skittles I can pilfer? I’m emotionally compromised and can’t get my own.”

“I hate you,” she says as she pulls a zip bag of them out of her table drawer and hands them to him.

“Love you too,” he says, pouring a handful into his mouth.

\---

There’s something about the way she holds herself, so tight and close together, that reminds him of himself from his first few months. She takes up as little space as she can, makes food in the quiet spaces between people, and doesn’t really talk to anyone. Definitely not Aubrey.

He gets it, he understands why, but it wasn’t her fault.

It wasn’t her fault and he wants her to understand that so badly, but she refuses to listen. Barclay’s tried when he’s not busy with the rest of the people from the Lodge, but there’s only so much he can do.

Dani won’t touch him, shifts when he sits next to her, stares at the space ahead of her blankly and makes very limited conversation.

It sucks, and it hurts, and he wants it to all be better, but how can it ever get better when they don’t even have a place to call home anymore?

\---

Dani watches them come back inside, soaked through completely and covered in very damp towels. Barclay’s hand is on his shoulder and it’s a nice solid grounding feeling, but he’s fine. Just a little almost drowning and then throwing up the water in his body. Nothing bad about that.

“What happened?” Dani asks, coming up to them. Jake opens his mouth to answer and catches Agent Stern’s eyes watching them curiously and clams up.

“Fell into the springs while we were coyote herding,” Barclay says pointedly. “Got a little cramped and tense with the dog there, but it’s all alright now.”

He nods in assent and hears Duck muttering something that sounds increasingly less believable behind him. “I’m gonna go get cleaned up. That was un-fun.”

“You sure?” Barclay asks quietly? He shrugs him off his shoulder, pulling his towel tighter around himself. He’s getting cold, still in his swim shorts from soaking in the springs.

“Yeah, I got it. You guys, uh, get back to Lodge care or whatever you were talking about.”

Stern’s writing stuff down, but he really couldn’t care less at this point. The wood of the stairs squeaks under his wet feet as he makes his way to his room. He finishes drying off with his actual towel, a better one than the spares they keep down by the springs. His hands are shaking and his throat is sore and his lungs feel full but not with air, and he tries to shake himself out.

Jake pulls on some fuzzy pajama pants and an old t-shirt and lays down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. The bed holds him in a solid way, not a loose way like the water had, and nothing looks wavy and distorted unless he unfocuses his eyes a lot, so he’ll just try not to do that.

There’s a knock on the door and he raises his head. “Yeah?”

Dani opens the door with a mug of something in her hand, steam rising from the top. “I brought cider?”

“Cider is an acceptable offering,” he says without getting up, and he can hear her huff out a laugh and close the door behind her.

“You okay?” She asks, sitting on the edge of the bed. He makes grabby hands for the cider and she hands it off to him. He lets it warm up his hands and takes a sip with his head off the bed just enough.

“’M okay,” he says, feeling it warm his insides as he swallows. He closes his eyes and rests his head back down for a second. “Monster got in the hot springs.”

“Jake—”

“It’s fine. Didn’t drown. They all got out there pretty quickly. I think at least. Really got no clue how long I was inside it.”

She silent and he sighs, shifting so he’s leaning upright on his pillow instead of straight down on the bed.

“It’s a hazard of living here, some jank stuff happening to us because of monster proximity. You think I’m the first one here to get attacked by one of ‘em?”

“Yeah but it’s you,” she says, drawing her knees up and staring at the floor.

He’s quiet after that, not quite looking at her. He doesn’t like having heavy conversations about himself, ever. It’s a pretty rare occasion saved for real times of emotional distress and he doesn’t think this counts as that.

Jake takes a drink of the cider but inhales wrong and it hits the wrong pipe, choking him. He coughs it out frantically, and would probably spill the cider all over everything if not for Dani grabbing it from his hands immediately. He hunches over coughing and breathing and coughing some more. He can feel his heartbeat behind his eyes and in his temples and neck and elbows and it heaves over him just like the water did and he thinks he makes a retching noise.

And then Dani takes his face in her hands and forces him to look at her.

“Breathe,” she says forcefully, and he pulls a ragged breath in. She nods and he does it again. And again. He’s breathing in air just fine. His heartbeat recedes a bit.

He fists his hands together and closes his eyes, still taking it deep breathes.

“’It’s fine,’” Dani says in a bad impression of him. She’s still holding him upright. “’I didn’t drown and I’ll never talk about how almost drowning was terrible and sucky. I’m Jake Coolice and I’m never scared.’”

“Got it in one,” he says airily, mouth quirking up in the corner. She rolls her eyes but her shoulders relax nonetheless. “Really am f—”

“If you say you’re fine I’m gonna punch you. I will do it Jake Coolice so help me god. Just feel bad for a little bit. It’s okay.”

He purses his lips but nods. She shifts to me more accessible and he slumps onto her shoulder.

“It kinda sucked actually. Who knows if they’ll let us back in before the monsters caught. Get ready to be hungry and cranky for the next like week.”

“Ew,” she says. “I hate going without the spring. It makes me feel nasty, like I’m not me.”

“You won’t be you if you die by water monster,” he tells her sagely and she groans.

“Jake don’t use this to be all wise now.”

“I’m all knowing,” he says, pulling the blanket around the two of them. “I’m the king of water monster knowledge, as I’ve been inside of one and it’s been inside of me.”

“You’re okay, though,” Dani says, not joking now. “Right? You’re okay?”

“Just, uh, just a little wary about that water now, but yeah, I’m okay.”

“Good,” she says, breathing out a sigh. “Good.”

\---

Jake comes back from boarding to find Dani in his room, head in her hands. She’s making a quiet monotone sound that doesn’t stop when he opens the door.

“Uh,” he says. “You good?”

“Do you remember like four years ago when you whined all about your lovey dovey feelings to me in my room and made me give you advice?”

“Yeah?” he says, confused. “I stole your skittles because I was emotionally compromised by my, uh, being in love with my best friend.”

She lifts her head up and looks at him, and she looks like she’s trying to win the award for poutiest face.

“Oh,” he says, the thought clicking in his brain. It all catches up to him and he grins, shutting the door behind him. “Ohoho how the tables have turned in a very excellent way. Dani my dear, do spill.”

He sits across from her, crossing his legs and leaning in for the details.

“Now I don’t wanna,” she whines, covering her face up again. “God, Jake this sucks.”

“And you made fun of me for it,” he points out. “I will keep my teasing to the minimum.”

She mumbles something into her hands and he raises an eyebrow. “Didn’t quite catch that.”

“Aubrey’s so cool,” she says just loud enough for him to hear, and he lights up.

“Aubrey? I knew it, I knew you’d fall head over heels for her. She’s the exact opposite of all the girls you never wanted to like before, plus she’s new so it adds some intrigue. And she’s magical, which is super fucking cool. Oh no you’re right, she is cool.”

Dani wails in despair and flops backwards against his bed, not getting very far because it holds her up. “See? It’s hopeless.”

“Uh, I don’t know if you’re just bad at picking up signals but she has definitely been making goo goo eyes at you for months. You went ramp picking, thanks for not inviting me to ramp by the way, and that was it for her I think. Once she figured out she was staying here it only solidified that.”

“I mean, I’m a catch,” Dani says, “But she can do magic and she’s human. What’s cooler than that?”

“In her eyes you’re a hot vampire girl from another world, how could she not think you’re cool?”

“I see the two of us are at a stalemate,” Dani says flatly, giving him an annoyed look. “How am I supposed to deal with it?”

“You could garden with her, or go swimming since she lights things on fire all the time when she’s nervous, which is always around you because she likes you. It is so obvious I don’t know how you haven’t figured it out.”

“I’ve been too busy writhing on my floor trying to make myself stop liking her,” she deadpans, and Jake laughs in surprise.

“Jesus that sounds like shit,” he says, smiling at her. “Good thing you don’t have to do that anymore because there’s no way it could go wrong.”

“I know you keep food in your room,” she says, glaring at him. “I’m cashing in on the Skittles stealing. Gimme so I can deliberate on whether to live in suffering and agony any longer than I have to.”

He makes an innocent face at her and she squints her face up. He gives up immediately and reaches around her on the second board under his bead and pulls out a box of Cheez-Its. She stuffs her mouth with like seven of them and he waits for her to get less confrontational after the food hits her stomach.

“Okay, she says after chewing and swallowing. “So maybe you have some points.”

“Oh just maybe.” He looks at her. “It’s not like I was in a relationship for two and a half years.”

“That ended because they wanted to vandalize the town,” Dani shoots back, and he shrugs his shoulders and looks away.

“Nobody’s perfect,” he says, because honestly their motives weren’t bad.

“Ugh, you’re still too sappy about that. But nonetheless, I think you might have some valid points about the me and Aubrey situation.”

He waits patiently for her to continue as she eats more Cheez-Its. “And, I think I might be okay to make a move. Taking her swimming is a good idea, I like it. I think she likes it too.”

“See? This isn’t so hard once you think about it, you just have to get over your love rage at yourself first and it all goes great!”

“Thanks,” she says genuinely, looking down at the box. “I mean it.”

“Anytime,” he says, and he means it too.

\---

Barclay pulls Jake aside in the hallway of the apartment complex near the end of the first month of their unfortunate upheaval. He was headed down to H2Whoa to meet up with Aubrey for finishes on their rerouting system.

“Have you talked to Dani?” Barclay sounds so tired, so worn down, and Jake wishes he had good news for him.

“She won’t talk to anyone,” Jake tells him, shifting awkwardly. “She won’t even look at me half the time. It, uh, it really kind of sucks.”

“Yeah,” Barclay says, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah I know. Listen, I need you to try for me, and I know you have been, but try again. I can’t get through to her and I know you two are really close and maybe something you say will spark her into talking about it. Or even just talking again.”

“I can try but I don’t know how well it’ll go. She shuts down really easily.”

“Yeah,” he says covering his face with his hands and scrubbing. Jake stands stock still for a second, panic rising in his chest for no reason, before he reaches out and pulls Barclay into a hug. He’s very stiff for just a moment before enveloping him back with his big arms.

“I’m sorry,” Jake says because it feels like he needs to apologize for something. For not stopping it, for not trying harder, for not noticing sooner.

“It’s not your fault,” Barclay says, and he can practically hear him thinking before he finishes with “It’s not anyone’s fault.”

It’s not anyone’s fault, Jake tells himself as he walks up to the water park.

It’s not anyone’s fault.

\---

Dani told him yesterday to break up with Hollis, because if Jake wasn’t prepared to do light arson as retribution to the police for their shitty rules, then he definitely wasn’t ready to do it to keep his relationship together.

She’s right, as normal, but it doesn’t make the conversation any easier.

He tells Hollis in no uncertain terms that he will not be sticking with the group if they turn into a gang, that he doesn’t think they should become a gang at all, and that if Hollis doesn’t change their mind about it then neither will Jake and he can’t be in a relationship like that.

Hollis is very quiet, staring at the dirt between their feet as they listen to him explain his side. They’re rubbing their thumb over their knuckles, a nervous tick, and Jake feels like the world’s biggest asshole even though his points are totally valid.

“This is really your hard limit,” Hollis says after it’s been silent for a few minutes. “This is where you draw the line.”

“It is,” Jake says miserably.

They breathe in harshly through their nose and let it out in a slow exhale, looking up at the sky. “You know, this town is important to me. I’m sure it is to you too, but I’ve grown up here my whole life. And… And watching that fucking Sheriff decide he can do whatever he wants and instill whatever laws he thinks are important that no one else agrees with, I can’t stand by that.”

Hollis looks at him, and their face is reddening around the eyes but it’s completely expressionless, something he knows they only do when they’re hurt, and he grimaces.

“I love you a lot, but I love Kepler more,” they say decisively. “And you love… your values or whatever the hell it is you’re standing by here more. And you know what? We’re both stubborn bastards.”

Jake lets out a watery laugh and stares down at the grass. His throat is spasming but he doesn’t get to cry yet.

“So,” they say, turning away from him. “I guess that’s it then.”

“Yeah,” he says, throat thick. “Guess so.”

They take in a shaky breath of air before standing, straightening their jacket and their hair and shaking out their hands. Hollis turns to look at him one last time, eyes red and face impassive.

“Good luck,” they say instead of goodbye, turning and leaving.

Jake waits until he’s sure they’re gone, until he can’t hear their bike anymore, before he lays his head on his knees and sobs.

He stays there for a while, just crying into his jeans, holding his arms around his middle and letting himself feel bad for once in his life. There’s something there, something cracked, and he lets out all out until his throat feels raw and his eyes are more than just puffy.

The Lodge sounds like a nightmare right now. He wants his room and his bed and to never see anyone ever again, but to get there he has to make it past the many, many people that reside there who would see him having just cried his eyes out over braking up with his partner.

Ex partner.

He just lost one of his best friends.

He sits up and pulls his knees to his chest, resting his head on them and squeezing his eyes closed. It’s the afternoon. He just has to wait a while until it’s dark and then sneak back in.

It’s a miserable few hours listening to sad music on the mp3 player Mama got him forever ago. He cries a little bit more, stays on that log the whole time, letting the wind almost knock him off a few times. At least it doesn’t rain. He doesn’t think he could handle that right now.

It gets dark enough that people will be retiring to their rooms soon so Jake takes it as his cue to go home, taking the back way to avoid anyone. He goes through the back door, which is right next to the stair so he can slip in undetected.

He does stop at his room, though. He could go in there and be miserable all alone, or… or he could take Dani up on her offer of being miserable in her room once he broke things off. The decision is easy.

The knock he gives is both too loud and too quiet, but Dani opens the door anyway. She takes one look at him and slumps her shoulders, ushering him inside.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m living the dream,” he says before he starts crying again. She pulls him into a hug, resting her hand on the back of his head.

“It’s okay. You did what you needed to and you both know that,” she says, rocking him in place. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her in close.

“They were so sad,” he whines, clutching at the back of her shirt.

“So are you,” she says quietly.

It takes him a while to stop crying again, and by that time he really is all teared out. He pulls back and wipes at his face, pulling at his eyes to make the ache go away. Dani pulls him over to the bed and he lays on it next to her.

“They told me they love me, but that they love Kepler more.”

“It makes sense,” Dani says. “Shitty thing to say, but they’re always talking about town and what should and shouldn’t happen.”

“It wasn’t shitty,” he says harshly, defending them. “It was Hollis trying make it better for themself that I was breaking up with them over it.”

“Still not great, but if you say so,” Dani says. She rolls over and faces him. “It sucks, Jake. I’m not trying to make it worse. This sucks a lot and I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” he says. “What flavor Skittles you got?”

“Sour,” she says, and he reaches over blindly and pulls them out of the drawer to place in between them. He takes a few and puckers his mouth up at the taste.

“Bluh,” he says, enjoying it after the initial shock. “It’s… I love them. I love them so much. But I couldn’t do that and you were right but I love them.”

“I know,” she says softly. “It’s okay to still love them even though you’re split. I’m sure they’re still feeling it.”

“They looked so upset,” he whispers. “I… Hollis never shows when they’re upset but their eyes were red and their breath got all funky and I feel so fucking bad.”

“It’s no good all around, Jake.” Dani isn’t going to let him drive himself into a hole, but he wishes she would. It’s all his fault. “It’s not all your fault. It’s a bad situation with Owens that turned into a worse situation for the Stunt Club turned Wasp Gang.”

“Hornets,” he corrects miserably.

“Whatever, the point is you have stuff that you can’t do without upsetting yourself, and vandalism and whatever the hell ‘light arson’ means is a part of that. They have stuff they can’t budge on, like what they think is good for the town compared to the police, and honestly they’re probably right about some of them, but not to this extreme. You made the right choice, no matter how much it hurts right now. You’re being kind to yourself by being in pain right now.”

“That was a backwards way of trying to make this better,” he says, putting more Skittles in his mouth. His tongue is burning and taste buds are coming off a bit, but it’s fine.

“I’m telling you that it might not feel like it now, but in the future you’re going to thank yourself. I’ll be right here next to you for however long it takes.”

“Why are you so good at this?”

“You give me way too much practice with how fatalistic you are,” she says, popping a few green ones into her mouth. “You’ve really gotta lighten up some, Coolice.”

“I’m light ninety five percent of the time, what are you talking about.”

“Like your soul. Your soul is not light ninety five percent of the time, it’s like fifty seven.”

“Still more than half. And what am I supposed to do about it, sage my room and kombucha my guts?”

“Ew, no.” She wrinkles her nose at kombucha. “You just gotta talk about stuff sometimes. I know you like being Fun Jake Coolice, and you are fun, but it’s okay to need help sometimes. It doesn’t have to be the world’s biggest tragedy to make you talk about it, you can say stuff that’s bumming you out whenever. Pretty sure no one here would mind. I think Barclay might actually feel better about it if you did.”

Jake grumbles and throws a pillow on top of his face. Dani sighs and rolls back onto her back.

“Just a thought.”

“I wish I didn’t have to break up with them,” he says into the pillow.

“Me too,” she says. “But what’s done is done and there’s no takebacksies.”

“You’re gonna be here?” he asks instead of anything else.

“Whenever you need me.”

\---

Jake has a borrowed pipe and a bag of weed that Keith gave him the last time they hung out and it’s late and he thinks that now is the perfect time to put both of those things to use.

He knocks on Dani’s door and holds up the two things as an answer to her unasked question and she shrugs her shoulders and lets him in.

“You think Mama and Barclay have done this?” Dani asks as he sets stuff up. He’s sitting in the spinny chair at Dani’s desk, twisting around with his foot.

“You think they haven’t?” Jake asks, affronted. “Have you met either of them? Barclay’s been around for ages so I’m pretty sure he’s done everything under the sun, and Mama’s like, Mama. She obviously smokes weed.”

“I mean duh, but do you think they’d rag on us if they found out?”

Jake pauses at that, thinking. He’s not really sure.

“I dunno,” he answers truthfully.

“Mama’d let Barclay handle it and he’d give us the fakest warning ever like some kind of concerned parent and then go back to his room and panic about whether he said too much or too little and whether we’re being safe and responsible teenagers.”

Dani says it so decisively that it really has to be true and Jake nods sagely.

“You’re so right.”

He lights his lighter and breathes in, passing it off to Dani after a second. She inhales too quickly and coughs a bit but recovers quick enough.

“You ever wonder if this stuff works different on Sylphs than on humans?” She asks after they’ve passed it a few times.

“I have no clue,” he says with so much sincerity. “I’m always so worried I’ll do something wrong when I’m with Keith and Hollis but they’ve never said anything so I don’t think so?”

“God, you worry so much,” she says, breathing out the window screen. And then she laughs. “You worry _so much_.”

Jake spins the chair around instead of answering, grinning at the way things move wrong around him.

“You’re… you should be named Jake Anx-ice,” Dani says, snorting with laughter, covering her mouth to keep quiet. Jake can’t help the burst of laughter that comes out of him, and it makes Dani laugh more.

“Watch out,” he says, “If you get too close to me you get my anxieties all the time.”

“That’s friendship, dummy,” she says, grinning at him.

“Whoops, I read the directions wrong and got it all mixed up,” he says in a goofy voice and Dani starts laughing again.

“Do you want,” she tries to get out before she breaks down laughing again. She breathes in fast and waves a hand over her face and composes herself. “Do you want a… Skiddel.”

Jake cracks up, spinning around again and muffling his laugher. Dani’s on the floor with her face pressed into the floorboards because she’s laughing so hard. She reaches up through her hardship and pulls out a bag of Tropical Skittles and Jake devolves into giggles again.

Suddenly, it’s the most important thing in the world that he tells her something he’s never told her before.

“Dani,” he says, grabbing the Skittles and shoving some in his mouth. The flavors are so… Tropical. “Dani I gotta tell you something.”

“Mm?” she asks, still smiling as she sits up and pulls Skittles from the bag.

“You’re my best fucking friend,” he says with so much sincerity that she stops smiling for a second to process, and then comes back beaming.

“You’re _my_ best fucking friend too, Jake!”

“No no no,” he says, because it’s not the same. “You are my first and best friend in both the fucking worlds, Dani.”

“What?” she asks, confused.

His head is waving around and the palms of his hands feel tingly just like the insides of his legs and ears, but this is the most important thing he’s ever done.

“You are the first actual friend I have ever had and I love you so much.”

“What?” she says, less cloudy this time. “Jake, you came here when you were fifteen, you had to have friends. I had friends and I was thirteen.”

“Nuh uh. I had no friends. Zilch. You mean so much to me and I love you and I don’t tell you that enough but I mean it so much.” He climbs down from the chair, setting the Skittles to the sides and grabbing her hands.

“You,” she says, stopping and blinking. He wonders what her body feels like, if it’s as weird and buzzy as his. He wonders if it’s different for her because she’s different from him. “You didn’t have any friends growing up?”

“Nope!” He says. “My parents backstabbed everyone they could to bump themselves up in the ranks and no one wanted their kids talking to me in case it came back to bite them in the ass. Dani AmnestyLodge, you are my first and bestest friend and I am so glad that it’s you that made up those categories.”

“Dani AmnestyLodge,” she says, working through it in her brain. “Oh. Oh! You gave me a last name! Oh my god Jake I love you so much.”

He grins at her, because she isn’t looking sad or confused about his childhood anymore and that’s good. He wants her to feel good always. She doesn’t deserve to feel bad. Dani is one of the best things to ever happen to him.

“Why, why’d you end up here if your parents were up in the ranks, then?” Her voice sounds cloudy again, like she’s trying to come up with an answer herself but can find anything.

“It’s,” he starts, trying for words. He makes a frustrated noise when none come, cursing his foggy brain and rocking his body around. Dani stares at him and squeezes his hands.

“You don’t have to,” she says. “I’m sorry, I know we don’t like to talk about it.”

“No!” He says, because if anyone is going to know, it’ll be her. “No, I’m trying to find the words so it doesn’t sounds as… bad? So you don’t get upset.”

“Okay,” she says, pouting her mouth. He doesn’t want to let go of her hands, so he reaches over with his head and puts his face in the Skittles bag to pick some up with his mouth. She makes a disgusted laughing sound and he smiles.

“So,” he says, full of Skittles and satiated again. “So, my parents did like whatever they could to bump themselves up in the ranks, and me as a little kid didn’t get it but I figured it out eventually right? So I’m fifteen and all alone other than my kind of not really there parents, and the court decides they need to make an example of someone higher up, to show that everyone’s equal to them, right? So some kid has to go to show the rest of the world that no one is discriminated against in the exile bargain.”

She nods, brows furrowed, and he takes in a massive breath, lungs humming in his chest. He rocks around again to center himself.

“So my parents had gotten kinda high up by now, and they really would do anything to make good with the court, so, yeah.”

“Yeah,” she says slowly, thinking it through. “Y— no! No, Jake, no they’re not supposed to do that.”

“I know,” he says, because he does. He shrugs his shoulders. “I know they’re not, but they did. And now I’m here with you, and it’s probably better than getting stuffy and playing nice with people I was afraid of disappointing anyway.”

“You,” she scrunches her face up, trying to remember. “The first day when we took you to Indrid you got all nervous.”

“’Cause he used to be on the court. I didn’t wanna disappoint him, but he pulled me over and told me I didn’t need to worry about that here on Earth and no one was gonna treat me like the high ups and everyone else did and it was okay here. And he was right.”

“Jake,” she says, and he stares at her, face reddening, eyes shining. “Jake I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no Dani! No it’s okay,” he says, squeezing her hands tightly. “It’s okay now. I’m okay. Please don’t cry.”

“Okay,” she says roughly, pulling a hand back to wipe at her eyes. Jake feels bad now. She was so happy.

“I just wanted you to know,” he says quietly. “I just wanted you to know that you’re the best friend I’m ever going to have and the first one too, so it makes it more special. You mean so much to me and I love you and I don’t want you to feel bad. I’m happy, Dani. I’m happy and I love you and the Lodge and everything about this place. I miss it sometimes, but not for any of the reasons you or the other people here do. I miss it because it was home, but this is home and it has you and Barclay and Mama and Moira and Hollis and Keith and everyone that means so much to me.”

“Yeah,” she says, laughing a little through her tears. “I miss home too, but you’re my bestest friend also and I love you.”

“I know,” he says, and he pulls her into a hug. “It’s okay, really Dani. I’m okay.”

“Okay,” she says into his shoulder, and she sounds like she means it this time. She pulls back and holds him by the shoulders.

“Jake Coolice maybe it sucks to say it, but I am so glad it was you that came out of the gate and became by best friend in the universe.”

“You too,” he says, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Dani stares at him and then laughs again. “What’s funny?”

“That’s the first time you’ve told me something without me having to shove you into it,” she says, giggling. “Jake Anx-ice no more.”

He falls back into laughter at the name and so does she. He falls forward, resting his forehead on her knee. His body is warm and humming in the presence of his best friend, and the place where his head touches her knee tingles.

He wouldn’t give this up for anything in either world.

\---

Jake and Dani are alone in the apartment, just the two of them. Moira and Leo are out, gathering people together. It’s been just shy of a month since it all broke bad for everyone and the agents showed up and it all got shut down.

Jake’s been trying to figure out what to say, how to make her actually talk to him like a person again, and Dani continues to sit on the couch, studiously ignoring him.

Her face is pale, paler than normal, and he looks at her. Her eyes are ringed in dark circles, and she keeps twisting her hands together and at this moment, a shudder runs through her.

“Dani?” he asks cautiously.

She opens her mouth to say something and then covers it up with her hands, eyes going wide. She stands abruptly and walks quickly and jerkily to the bathroom. He gets up, worried and intrigued, and follows her.

He walks in on her heaving over the toilet bowl, hair covering her face and her features. He sinks down next to her and pulls her hair back, grabbing a stray hair tie and twisting it up so it won’t get in her way.

She clutches at the toilet bowl with white knuckled hands, and with a kind of dawning horror he realizes she’s crying. He sets a tentative hand on her back.

“Hey, hey, come on. Dani, it’s alright. It’s okay—”

“It’s not okay!” She yells, interrupting him. He’s a little stunned. It’s the first she’s really said something to him in a month. “Nothing is okay, Jake!”

She effort makes her retch, but nothing comes out and she sobs into the bowl. He places the hand back and rubs soothing circles in her back. She turns and rests her head on the seat and stares at him miserably.

“I ruined it all,” she tells him very surely and he frowns.

“No,” he says, patting her back. “You really, really didn’t. That thing did it all.”

“That think might’ve set it up but I fell right into the trap and screwed it all up,” she says shakily. “It’s my fault.”

“Dani—”

She rips the ring from her finger, eyes yellowing, teeth sharpening, ears lengthening, and she throws it on the ground so hard it bounces a few times before rolling to a stop somewhere.

“This is what I am, and I wasn’t even that. They could’ve handled a fucking vampire but no! I was fucking feral and I killed Ned and the whole goddamn town!”

She heaving, face furious. “It’s all my fucking fault and none of you will tell me that even though you all know it’s the truth.”

“It’s not. Please, you got kidnapped—”

“Did I? I can’t remember anything Jake. I remember being out in the town and then nothing. I don’t even remember what day that way. I have no clue how long I was gone, and maybe it was something I could’ve done to not go. Maybe it dressed up like you or Aubrey or Mama and I should’ve known it was fake. Or maybe that’s what I am inside and I wanted it. Maybe I wanted it, Jake. To tear them all apart and scream and eat and just let _go_.”

She bursts into angry sobs, pushing herself away from the toilet and up against the wall, eyes closed as she cries. Jake has no clue what to do, and he wishes he could ask her. But she needs him right now and he’s going to do his fucking best to fix this.

“It’s not and you know it. Think about it right now. Think about what you’re feeling. It’s guilt, and you shouldn’t feel guilty, but you do. If you wanted it, if you wanted that, do you think you’d feel like this? Wouldn’t you just want to tear the town to shreds some more?”

“It felt like something else inside of me,” she whispers out, opening bloodshot eyes and staring at him desperately. “It felt like me and something else, something that just wanted to use me and tear me out of it and— a-and—”

She leans back over and succeeds in throwing up this time, vomiting into the bowl with a shaking body. He steadies her with hands on her shoulders and she relaxes just a bit. She pulls back after she stops and wipes her mouth, staring blankly ahead.

“No, come on, don’t do that. Come back, you gotta stay back this time, okay? Do you know how scary it is you just sitting there doing nothing and tearing yourself apart all day? I’m so scared for you, Dani. Please, please, you gotta stay with me this time.”

She turns to face him and starts crying again, pressing her face into his shoulder. He wraps his arms all the way around her and rocks them back and forth to try and relax her.

“It’s not your fault and that’s not what you are, okay? It was that thing’s fault. You were gone for at least three days, maybe more, I don’t know. But the hunt was three days starting with the Hornet’s nest. That’s three days none of us did anything when we could’ve found you.”

“No,” she whimpers out. “No, Jake, no it’s not your fault.”

“Then how is it yours? You got deprived from our literal life source for at least three days and that’s enough to push anyone into going feral. I’m so glad you came back from it, I was scared and so was Barclay and Aubrey and Duck that you wouldn’t come back but you did and you’re here and you can’t keep blaming yourself. Pigeon pulled the trigger trying to kill you. You got kidnapped and starved. Ned fucked up with the monster. It’s no one’s fault but it, do you hear me? You’re not a monster anymore than me or Barclay or Moira. You aren’t a monster, you’re my family and I love you and I’ve missed you so bad, Dani.”

“’m sorry,” she says, pressing her face into his shoulder further. “I’m so so sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, just try not to blame yourself, okay? That’s all I want. And maybe a conversation sometimes.”

She gives a wet laugh and settles a bit, less big crying. He pulls her hair out of the terrible bun he put it in and runs his hands through it. She relaxes against him and he breathes out a sigh of relief.

“I’m still not,” she says, not finishing the thought, but he knows, he knows exactly what she means.

“I know, it’s okay. We have time. And Leo’s couch. And I’m sure I can find you some Cheez-Its to angry-sad munch on here soon. But right now it’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. It’s gonna work out and we’ll fix it. Together, okay?”

“Okay.” She rests against him and lets herself feel something other than the oppressive guilt he knows she’s been under.

A little while later the door opens and shuts. “Jake?” Barclay calls from the main room.

“Bathroom,” he calls back. Barclay meets his eyes in the doorway and Jake gives him a thumbs up.

Hey,” he says, also sounding relieved.

Dani pulls herself around to give him a shaky smile and a wave. Barclay returns both of them.

“Could,” she says, coughing to clear her throat. “Could you find my ring? I kind of threw it earlier and it rolled away and I haven’t gotten the chance to look.”

“Of course,” Barclay says, glad he can do something to help her, even if it is just this.

It takes a little while to find, trapped behind a cabinet, but he does it, returning it back to her. She slips it back on her finger and settles back in. Barclay sits on the floor across from them, cramped in but happy. Things feel okay for the first time in the very long month.

\---

Jake and Dani have a friendship that was absolutely built on the fact that they were the only two kids in the Lodge when they showed up, but he knows it’s more than just that. It’s the way she listens to him when he gripes about this or that, or how she trusts him with little things that absolutely never get told to anyone else, save for maybe Aubrey now.

They’ve been together through the good and the bad and what he thought was the worst but ended up just going in the bad category after all the shit that’s gone down recently, and he’s pretty sure that at this point nothing’s going to tear them apart.

Dani is Jake’s best friend in the entire goddamn universe, and Jake is hers, and there’s no one he would rather have.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i know im back with another 9k fuckin character study, when will it end  
i really thought 6-7k but you know how it goes!  
i uh love jake and dani? i know we have exactly no canon ages but im gonna do what i want with what i have  
i just hooooo boy hope everything turns out okay  
please comment if you liked!


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